Omigoodness... the past 6 days or so were like being stuck in some twilight zone. I'm glad for the moment that I've finally FINALLY posted out the last application for companies whose deadlines are about now (8/14~17.... 3!!!!). While working on the stuff to submit my mind would sorta wander sometimes, thinking what would happen if I was called for interviews and what would happen if I got hired and stuff... My mind's still completely blank as to what I would want to say during interviews.. I definitely know that I'd have something to say regardless or what they ask but it feels like my thoughts won't come out coherently or not even come out at all.. I guess that means I will have to start trying to speak proper Japanese again and phased out all the slangs and all.. which isn't as easy as doing the same to English. Heh. But anyway, I was thinking, even though it's really annoying to rush to post out my applications like this, I think I'd be pretty okay with not being able to get a job this time round. I mean.. I seriously don't think I'm up to standard yet. And if a company is willing to take a leap of faith in me I'd be very very thankful, but if not, well, I would say I'd expected it.

But its not to say I'd be disappointed.. maybe just 30~50% yea maybe.. but I think I'd be happy to really take the extra time (be it the extra 6 months extension period to remain in Japan and look for a job after my student visa expires or the 4 years I'd spend in NUS after going home) to ground my foundation in drawing, and to really experiment and get my hands dirty with all sorts of drawing styles.. ther different styles of the different anime studios.. not just the lines pertaining to objects but the expression of shadows and highlights, maybe movement and timing as well... though I'd say it doesn't really interest me at this moment (cos its so.... HARD). If it was meant to be I'd come back and look for a job again, shouldn't be such a big thing (though it is.. haha).

Anyway, another thing that crossed my mind was about living out a life drawing vs living out a life on the textbook side (Ha.. what I call it). Now standing where I am now, if you'd ask me right now, I'll tell you I nv want to go back. If I really could, I'd want to stay at this point, and live my life out drawing. Seriously, if you'd ask me to choose its that. I mean its difficult and all, and really stressful, even sometimes you can't even see forward, everything looks so uncertain. But somehow, it feels like I'm living when I draw. As if in comparision, doing anything else would seem dead. Its a strange way to put it maybe. But even if this wan't what I was meant to do, I'd be okay.. I'd accept what God plans.. and it doesn't mean I can't draw in my freetime. Heh.

But standing here right now, it feels a little like I was standing atop a mountain, inhaling the good air, in the midst of the majestic scenery surrounding, I feel that there are so many things out there to learn, so many things I haven't seen yet or experienced just waiting for me. I feel a little excited.