Crap, I feel like a real asshole now.
But more of that later. Let me share a glorious experience I had today. Namely with a large cake, and the CNY cookies clogged refrigerator. This afternoon, my maid interrupted my pissified mood carried over from yesterday to tell me that there's this strange man at the gate. So anyway, in this type of situation, I will go check out who the stranger is. I poked my head out from the gate and spotted this Angie cake van. Apparently, the troubled fellow told me he had come to deliver the neighbour's cake but since they weren't in, he had called them and they said to leave the gargantuan bugger at my place. Technically, the size of that thing didn't strike me till it was placed into my hands and I was nearing the refrigerator but anyway, I felt it was very strange to be collecting a cake on behalf of a neighbour. We were that close?
Alright, so I opened the fridge door and before I could make this cake vanish from my hands I realised then that this cake had become a liability. On closer than usual inspection, the fridge was completely packed to the brim with more useless stuff than I had remembered. Jars of CNY cookies even slided horizontally in to utilise full space, a left opened can of who knows what, boxes of stuff that aren't meant to be eaten by anyone living under this roof, cartons of soy milk.. everything was cramped in like some squatter settlement. And I had this hugeass cake in my hands that was to somehow join this neighbourhood. Furthermore, since this cake doesn't belong to anyone here, I'm not allowed to do what I would have done otherwise, taken the easy way out and do a half bait job in getting it in.
I got down on my knees, sorting and organising, trying to make 100% use of any space inside, which later turned to squashing and throwing around because this cakebox just had to be of a certain size, being able to only fit on either one of the two out of 4 shelves in the fridge. Correction, I mean only one out of all the shelves, because I just remembered how I slided the box in and it had to refuse to move in anymore, making the fridge door uncloseable. That was when I realise the mission was far from over and my violent side played a more active role. May I add that some words that should have been censored made it out of my mouth. When the task at hand becomes the sole purpose of living for that moment, other things naturally fade in importance.
Fortunately, the box made it in before my actions became too rowdy and cracks start appearing on any of the other boxes in there. But by then, I had already slammed the door shut ready to erase all memory of the past 15 minutes or so. Imagine, it's your birthday and you have to shove a cake into a fridge which isn't even yours.
Anyway, back to why I feel like a complete asshole. I more or less ruined my day being pissed at my brother and sister from yesterday, feeling underappreciated, lonely, and still overall just annoyed that no one ever cares, and that "Insensitivity, it owns the world and all its people" if you read my nick on msn. I remembered the pissed off replies I shot off yesterday because I couldn't be bothered to talk to them properly anymore, or to talk to them ever again, because they were just so mean to me so I would be mean to them too. So when my brother asked me if I wanted something I'd just say No without considering, when my sister said happy birthday I said Pooh! And unhappy at that, the kind of look that says as if you would care. I felt like they owed me something.
I was beginning to feel the effects of loneliness today, it eats away at your heart and makes you restless and bored. My sister began to close the door yesterday night and before she left to go out with the cousin, she said sorry she couldn't go to the birthday dinner tonight so I said it's alright. I guess that counts as an apology.
But I felt so shitty and useless when I had dinner with just my parents because I felt like a loser :( and as though I had no friends. The brother was working as usual, not like I would've wanted him there cos it would be awkward cos I treated him like crap yesterday (not that he didn't treat me like I was anyway!). On the car ride home, I had to become all restless and began recounting aloud to my mom the kind of monetary privileges the brother always got that I never got, relating them in somewhat crystal clear detail.
Anyway, when we got back home, the mother came to my messy pigsty room that I keep procrastinating to tidy up and handed me this very obese looking angpao, adding that she'd give me the rest later on cos frankly, it's CNY and it's not very smart to give away all your monies before it even starts. So there, she pierced the first arrow into my guilty heart. Every boss in a video game has a weak point which you exploit endlessly and at every opportunity to defeat him. If you're looking for a way to defeat me, then this is it, to weigh my heart down with guilt by giving me things I don't feel I earned or deserved and at an expense of your own.
The next beating came a short while after when the brother came home from his job at the furniture shop. You know how when you aren't on good terms with someone and when that someone is around, you become more aware of his/ her presence? Anyway, before I could psych myself to ignore the goings-on around the house, he conveniently popped himself in and handed me a huge ass box with a fine looking Sora inside. Not half as huge ass as the stupid cake that wasn't mine today, but huge ass to be something GIVEN to me. That was completely unforeseen and I felt very sheepish as he wished me a happy birthday and gave it to me. I think like, a large piece of my heart was blown away at that instant, not by wind but by something like a shotgun that left a wide gaping hole, or something. I didn't know how to react to that, this wasn't something that I deserved or earned, and to make things worse, I hadn't been the kindest person yesterday. He got me this with his money, the money he earned from the lousy furniture shop job (haha.), which he certainly didn't have to, completely out of his will, so that I could be happy for a while, because I always talked about Kingdom Hearts like some mad fanatic, how I beat Sephy the hardest boss ever, how leveling up forms is key, how good the Fenrir is especially when you see it in action. Shit, I'm crying, it's just even worse when you put it in words isn't it? And there I was thinking nobody cared, when I have a huge Sora standing right here on my table.
The sister, who came back also a short while after also came bearing good gifts, a nice box of Guylians choccies. By this time, I knew the anger had to end. They were pelting me with gifts, and they just wouldn't stop! Anyway, that box of choccies confirmed the fact that I was a completely asshole. I'm looking at it at the corner of my eye now, it's just lying there on my table
making me look so dumb.
I'm just horrible okay? You happy now? I succumb to the dark forces more often than everyone else and I just love to think that nobody likes me when in fact thats not true okay? There, I said it. And I'm sorry okay? But I still don't think it was entirely my fault, so there!
-
We all want things to be given us without having to say it.
-
Not saying it doesn't make you less of an asshole than the one who says it.
But more of that later. Let me share a glorious experience I had today. Namely with a large cake, and the CNY cookies clogged refrigerator. This afternoon, my maid interrupted my pissified mood carried over from yesterday to tell me that there's this strange man at the gate. So anyway, in this type of situation, I will go check out who the stranger is. I poked my head out from the gate and spotted this Angie cake van. Apparently, the troubled fellow told me he had come to deliver the neighbour's cake but since they weren't in, he had called them and they said to leave the gargantuan bugger at my place. Technically, the size of that thing didn't strike me till it was placed into my hands and I was nearing the refrigerator but anyway, I felt it was very strange to be collecting a cake on behalf of a neighbour. We were that close?
Alright, so I opened the fridge door and before I could make this cake vanish from my hands I realised then that this cake had become a liability. On closer than usual inspection, the fridge was completely packed to the brim with more useless stuff than I had remembered. Jars of CNY cookies even slided horizontally in to utilise full space, a left opened can of who knows what, boxes of stuff that aren't meant to be eaten by anyone living under this roof, cartons of soy milk.. everything was cramped in like some squatter settlement. And I had this hugeass cake in my hands that was to somehow join this neighbourhood. Furthermore, since this cake doesn't belong to anyone here, I'm not allowed to do what I would have done otherwise, taken the easy way out and do a half bait job in getting it in.
I got down on my knees, sorting and organising, trying to make 100% use of any space inside, which later turned to squashing and throwing around because this cakebox just had to be of a certain size, being able to only fit on either one of the two out of 4 shelves in the fridge. Correction, I mean only one out of all the shelves, because I just remembered how I slided the box in and it had to refuse to move in anymore, making the fridge door uncloseable. That was when I realise the mission was far from over and my violent side played a more active role. May I add that some words that should have been censored made it out of my mouth. When the task at hand becomes the sole purpose of living for that moment, other things naturally fade in importance.
Fortunately, the box made it in before my actions became too rowdy and cracks start appearing on any of the other boxes in there. But by then, I had already slammed the door shut ready to erase all memory of the past 15 minutes or so. Imagine, it's your birthday and you have to shove a cake into a fridge which isn't even yours.
Anyway, back to why I feel like a complete asshole. I more or less ruined my day being pissed at my brother and sister from yesterday, feeling underappreciated, lonely, and still overall just annoyed that no one ever cares, and that "Insensitivity, it owns the world and all its people" if you read my nick on msn. I remembered the pissed off replies I shot off yesterday because I couldn't be bothered to talk to them properly anymore, or to talk to them ever again, because they were just so mean to me so I would be mean to them too. So when my brother asked me if I wanted something I'd just say No without considering, when my sister said happy birthday I said Pooh! And unhappy at that, the kind of look that says as if you would care. I felt like they owed me something.
I was beginning to feel the effects of loneliness today, it eats away at your heart and makes you restless and bored. My sister began to close the door yesterday night and before she left to go out with the cousin, she said sorry she couldn't go to the birthday dinner tonight so I said it's alright. I guess that counts as an apology.
But I felt so shitty and useless when I had dinner with just my parents because I felt like a loser :( and as though I had no friends. The brother was working as usual, not like I would've wanted him there cos it would be awkward cos I treated him like crap yesterday (not that he didn't treat me like I was anyway!). On the car ride home, I had to become all restless and began recounting aloud to my mom the kind of monetary privileges the brother always got that I never got, relating them in somewhat crystal clear detail.
Anyway, when we got back home, the mother came to my messy pigsty room that I keep procrastinating to tidy up and handed me this very obese looking angpao, adding that she'd give me the rest later on cos frankly, it's CNY and it's not very smart to give away all your monies before it even starts. So there, she pierced the first arrow into my guilty heart. Every boss in a video game has a weak point which you exploit endlessly and at every opportunity to defeat him. If you're looking for a way to defeat me, then this is it, to weigh my heart down with guilt by giving me things I don't feel I earned or deserved and at an expense of your own.
The next beating came a short while after when the brother came home from his job at the furniture shop. You know how when you aren't on good terms with someone and when that someone is around, you become more aware of his/ her presence? Anyway, before I could psych myself to ignore the goings-on around the house, he conveniently popped himself in and handed me a huge ass box with a fine looking Sora inside. Not half as huge ass as the stupid cake that wasn't mine today, but huge ass to be something GIVEN to me. That was completely unforeseen and I felt very sheepish as he wished me a happy birthday and gave it to me. I think like, a large piece of my heart was blown away at that instant, not by wind but by something like a shotgun that left a wide gaping hole, or something. I didn't know how to react to that, this wasn't something that I deserved or earned, and to make things worse, I hadn't been the kindest person yesterday. He got me this with his money, the money he earned from the lousy furniture shop job (haha.), which he certainly didn't have to, completely out of his will, so that I could be happy for a while, because I always talked about Kingdom Hearts like some mad fanatic, how I beat Sephy the hardest boss ever, how leveling up forms is key, how good the Fenrir is especially when you see it in action. Shit, I'm crying, it's just even worse when you put it in words isn't it? And there I was thinking nobody cared, when I have a huge Sora standing right here on my table.
The sister, who came back also a short while after also came bearing good gifts, a nice box of Guylians choccies. By this time, I knew the anger had to end. They were pelting me with gifts, and they just wouldn't stop! Anyway, that box of choccies confirmed the fact that I was a completely asshole. I'm looking at it at the corner of my eye now, it's just lying there on my table
making me look so dumb.
I'm just horrible okay? You happy now? I succumb to the dark forces more often than everyone else and I just love to think that nobody likes me when in fact thats not true okay? There, I said it. And I'm sorry okay? But I still don't think it was entirely my fault, so there!
-
We all want things to be given us without having to say it.
-
Not saying it doesn't make you less of an asshole than the one who says it.
posted by Chua at 2:14 AM
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