It's not hard to get emo when
your dad's an asshole, who gives stupid replies
And your bro's a bastard
who don't give replies (or a shit) half the time
When you've just had a haircut
That screams black black bleak
And you're listening to James Blunt lament on the stereo

Maybe it's time I don't stop the l'il fella that's yelling within me
Take up some paper, pencil and maybe some black eyeliner and lipstick while we're at it
It's. Good to feel this way sometimes. I think.

You wanna know a secret? All these years, there have been somethings that have always remained true, I think. And until someone or something incredible comes by my path, I guess these things will forever be true. Sometimes, people say it's not true or sometimes, you really don't wanna be like that or think like that. You don't wanna stay so depressing all the time. It's just, these things are for real and they're there all the time, you know? When they say it's untrue, either they don't know or they're in denial. It's hard. When will I find someone?

10.01.06 Marat News

Marat has today advised of his withdrawal from the Australian Open. Despite the knee allowing Marat to now practice extensively on court and he was feeling much better than before, a decision had to be made that he was just not ready to play Grand Slam tennis. As Marat said:" I am very sad that I cannot go to the Australian Open to defend my title as Champion. I have been working very hard and it is a lot better. In my heart I know I want to be at the Australian Open to try to play but I have had to listen to what Peter, my team and also myself are saying that it would not be right to go to a Grand Slam and put so much test on my knee right now. I am sorry to all my Australian fans but I will be back next year!"Marat intends to keep working on his fitness and it is intended that he will make his return in Marseilles on the 13th February.


And I was looking forward to watching Marat Safin back in action during the Australian Open. It's probably quite a special grand slam out of the four because that's when I really started watching tennis and that's when I saw Safin defeat the mighty Federer. And at that time he really clawed his way to victory, which really inspired me. It was a lovely memory.

I had a most horrorful moment just a little while before. Let me uncover the ordeal in systematic chronological order. Today, like most of the days earlier was cold and rainy so I was in my soft cottony giordano trackpants. Since it was cold, I had postponed the idea of taking a shower until the night. As I approached the top of the stairs, I noticed the shelf directly next to it was uncommonly.. neat. I noticed that the books were very straight and the smaller books put together. But alas, as to whose books they were, it was very jumbled indeed. My pop's and bro's property were invading my section of the shelf! Intruders! Invaders! Who dares trespass on my property? Who? WHO? Then I saw Tidus. Which looked stranger and stranger by the second because as far as my memory permits, the figure in it's plastic box was always kept within a paperbag and therefore for this reason, you would never been able to see Tidus. Petrified like a yelping dog I wailed for my mom who was half asleep in front of the TV, blasting away switched to the channel NHK. I wasted no time demanding an explanation when she finally popped back to reality. Next instance my maid was sent up the stairs because my mom thought it would be logical to ask the person who rearranged and cleared up (I refuse to say 'tidy up' because as far as I'm concerned it's a mess to me! What with other people's books next to my cds and magazines? Preposterous!) the shelf to answer the questions. My back was bent and eyes still fixed on Tidus cos I haven't heard anything yet and am kinda in the transition state leading to the worst part. On asking the simple question - where is the paperbag that covers the figure? my maid said she threw it away already. Oh my goodness. I tell you the moment I heard that I was like stunned. Kinda like when you hear really ultra bad news and you're totally speechless. Then (I don't know what she was doing but..) she went to my mom's bedroom and started aimlessly checking if the paperbag was around in a pile of my stuff that I assume she took from my shelf amidst rearranging and left on my mom's small cupboard. There was the bowl with a cockroach printed on it which Judy and Jia gave me on my 15th birthday, which she without a care in the world or even knowing what was that opened up. My Final Fantasy VIII PC Version box which I always made sure nothing dented the box even the slightest bit, which I had tucked away in a corner on my side on the shelf, opened up and left open with the sides at the opening of the box (the flaps. When you open the box there's the lid and flaps.) bent and seemingly cruelly dealt with. That's when my sanity started to wane. Y' wanna know how I really felt at that moment? I was like almost crying inside already.What did I ever do to you that you have to do this to me? Why do you have to do this to me?? I never did anything to you... For a while I stared blankly into space, oblivious to my cat's routine annoying calls for food, and it didn't feel so bad. But the next thing I knew, sadness and pain turned into rage. There was something welling inside of me and I just had to get rid of it somehow. I kicked the cupboard. I kicked the toilet door. I slammed the box of gambling chips (like what're those doing on the shelf?) on my side of the shelf. I grabbed my head and let out a growl, stomped into my room. I punched the wall. I felt like I had to break something then I'd feel like nothing happened. Sat down and stared at the table in front of me. In the vacuum-like moments that passed, I heard my mom and maid talking downstairs about the paperbag. My mom was asking what was going on and my maid was like there's nothing inside the bag! Just some dirt so I threw it away! They just went on and on and my mom was like where's the paperbag? And there was a mini scuffle downstairs as (I make out) they embarked on the mini 'get-that-paperbag' search. The vacuum that surrounded me was shortly interrupted thereafter by my mom's presence at the doorway. 'Nah'. And she asked whether it was the right one and placed the badly crumpled, good-for-nothing-else paperbag on my table. I didn't say anything. My mom casually mentioned something like why do you want such a (useless. Not said but implied.) paperbag anyway? They don't get it, seriously they don't. IT'S NOT ABOUT THE PAPERBAG. IT'S NOT ABOUT WHY DOES SHE WANT THAT INSIGNIFICANT PAPERBAG. IT'S ABOUT WHY THE HELL ARE YOU OPENING AND (get this.) THROWING AWAY THINGS THAT ACTUALLY BELONG TO ME?? And you don't even tell me beforehand you're going to touch, heck, throw away and take out and violate my stuff? I was so angry. Do you have any idea what you just made me go through? Let me give you an example. If you could just picture one of those poor Ethiopian farmers who work backbreaking hours tending to their fields, doing anything, desperately trying to make whatever measly amount of seeds he plants take root and grow despite the droughts, despite the cracked grounds, locusts and the rampant diseases. And finally when it's harvesting time, when he sees the field of crop matured and ready for harvesting, the fruit of his labour, another farmer who's just as poor as he is comes up and lights his entire field ablaze. With the fires roaring, what's left after a while is field of charred grass. His entire harvest burnt to the ground. Can you even imagine what the expression would be on his face? The anguish. The searing pain tinged by betrayal. Seriously, you don't get it at all. Please spare my things in the future. They don't bug you at all. They never came up and hurt you. They never took anything the belonged to you. After some moments after the punch in the wall, the worst was over and the welling had stopped. The sensation within gradually faded and lost control over me and I was sane again (whoopee!). Wah lao, luckily she didn't take my Final Fantasy CDS out of their plastic wrappings man. Luckily she didn't rip the kinokuniya plastic bags off my PS2 Famitsu magazines man. If she had... I woulda run away from home.