The slightly more than 3 weeks I've spent back home in sg so far I've met up with some friends, people who would bother come see me since basically, I couldn't bother to go look for people, really. A rather sluggish habit but seriously, I don't care. The remaining 9/10 of the time... let's see... I worked on re-establishing a decent relationship with the PS2, finding no better an excuse to stay up those late nights again, Pssh I'm on holiday anyways. Then the weekends go to the brother since I only get to see him then. We went to Botak Jones which really does serve up good quality food, we watched V for Vendetta on dvd (interesting :)), then for no reason really I patronised the ice cream man who passes by our house on sundays, 4pm (he's never late!) and I made my brother have some ice cream too. We exchanged some 'gifts', some 'peace offerings', so now the green Cactuar plushie's sitting in his display cabinet and I've got an extra action figure - Cloud Strife FFVII to bring back with me to my alone apartment.
Anyway, aside from the things people have been telling me: You look fairer, your complexion has become better, You look the same, You never changed, you haven't put on extra weight, I know the 'me' that grew up in sg still remains very much intact which is probably why people say they think I've not changed at all, I don't think I have either, but I know something that's changed and its perspective. I think logically anybody would be able to understand that being immersed in a different environment from the previous one is definitely going to let you see the same images in a different light. I'm just experiencing it firsthand.
One of these experiences was when I looked through my old drawings, stuff I did actually had pride in and kept throughout the years even though they weren't many and I would take them out once in a while to have a look again. I know I've been taking them out time and again probably not frequent enough for me to get tired of them yet still for some reason I still experience just a slight tinge of nostalgia and a wee bit of fascination at the art (if we can even call them that) I call my drawings. Anyway, this time round, what surprised me when I looked at them again was how much potential I began to see in those drawings I made as a kid. I thought, How different my life would be if I were to be sent to study Anime in Japan at that time! Why I might've become a regular Japanese kid, and by this time or a few more years to come I'd be finding it commonplace to be a Mangaka's assistant or finding a job at a studio. I would've thrived, I thought.
Taking that walk down memory lane, and examining every so often the kind of person I am, I've come to believe that a lot, if not most of the person I am today was shaped by Anime. I wonder how then could I feel that kind of comfort when being in Japan, it was like returning to my own element, yet I know that it isn't home. And whilst being in sg, although I grew up here, the kind of understanding I hope for can never be achieved.
Oh yea, I remember the pains of growing up and going to school. Why have I started feeling now that I've been misplaced? When I was in the netball team in sec school, our team had reached the finals and as it was quite commonplace for classmates to say "Hey you guys are gonna win right?" I said "Yeaaaa! We'll win alright!" Next instant I was crying at the finals ground because my team mate who also was from the same class said it was non other than a sign of complacency and "You're not even playing anyway."
Then again, I'm not saying Japan's my home either. How can you expect to be warmly welcomed in a place you didn't grow up in, and therefore cannot understand to the very depths? Yet I know I can't remain in a place which I do not understand or agree with in its concepts and way of life. I began viewing myself as striking similarities to Kino, from Kino's Travels, who would travel on her motorrad staying not more than a few days in each town she passed, witnessing the lives of different people yet not participating in them or passing judgment, just enough time to stay for a while and hop back on her motarrad to continue her neverending journey. Though I wonder if I could accurately see myself as a traveller since it's only been sg or Japan.
I remember telling a friend over ice cream last week, there is a kind of freedom from being in a place where nobody knows you. It might not make sense but, this freedom from detachment I think was what made me feel whilst I was in the car one day looking out the window and seeing this maid walking side by side a primary school kid while carrying her bag, that this image was strangely reminding me of the Entourages in Ergo Proxy! Whom their owners depend on for every single aspect of their lifestyles such that when the Entourages broke down or went insane, there was no chance of them returning to their once orderly lifestyles. And what has that got to do with freedom from detachment? It's because I know I wouldn't have been able to see things that way whilst I was still in sg; tell me who didn't grow up with a maid?! (I mean absolutely no offense to anyone) And then, even though I felt like I wasn't a part of where I was, I was still a part of it, in contrast of being able to detach myself somewhat now and watching the 'me' I was or the environment within the confines of myself and not a myself immersed in the environment.
I realise also that when watching shows, films, animes whatever now, I find somehow that I've become able to enjoy the process first, whilst almost leaving for granted the afterthoughts and significances that manage to come by quite naturally thereafter. I find the film connects and knowing why it connects, making it good (even though good is a subjective word).
I wonder if I can call those days behind me. Instances where I watch a film and find I didn't like it when it was still playing because of elements I felt were "too unrealistic" and "dumb", or times of restlessness when things I define as symbols I pull out from the pictures overcloud any other vision. Or when I totally don't see anything, which I believe btw, is symptomous of looking at a scene and not even being able to make any sort of vague deduction of how it might be related to the whole picture, hence the eye sees each scene at face value and not registering in the brain. They do seem a bit rarer now.
Hmm, I think, maybe I've learnt to build things up, not tear them down, learning to see why things are good and how it should be praised, not the things that it isn't and therefore why it isn't good enough. Really, how I could even feel for a moment that there was something special in me which produced those pictures and could POSSIBLY eventually become something big, escapes me since I have a rather lousy impression of myself.
Anyway, aside from the things people have been telling me: You look fairer, your complexion has become better, You look the same, You never changed, you haven't put on extra weight, I know the 'me' that grew up in sg still remains very much intact which is probably why people say they think I've not changed at all, I don't think I have either, but I know something that's changed and its perspective. I think logically anybody would be able to understand that being immersed in a different environment from the previous one is definitely going to let you see the same images in a different light. I'm just experiencing it firsthand.
One of these experiences was when I looked through my old drawings, stuff I did actually had pride in and kept throughout the years even though they weren't many and I would take them out once in a while to have a look again. I know I've been taking them out time and again probably not frequent enough for me to get tired of them yet still for some reason I still experience just a slight tinge of nostalgia and a wee bit of fascination at the art (if we can even call them that) I call my drawings. Anyway, this time round, what surprised me when I looked at them again was how much potential I began to see in those drawings I made as a kid. I thought, How different my life would be if I were to be sent to study Anime in Japan at that time! Why I might've become a regular Japanese kid, and by this time or a few more years to come I'd be finding it commonplace to be a Mangaka's assistant or finding a job at a studio. I would've thrived, I thought.
Taking that walk down memory lane, and examining every so often the kind of person I am, I've come to believe that a lot, if not most of the person I am today was shaped by Anime. I wonder how then could I feel that kind of comfort when being in Japan, it was like returning to my own element, yet I know that it isn't home. And whilst being in sg, although I grew up here, the kind of understanding I hope for can never be achieved.
Oh yea, I remember the pains of growing up and going to school. Why have I started feeling now that I've been misplaced? When I was in the netball team in sec school, our team had reached the finals and as it was quite commonplace for classmates to say "Hey you guys are gonna win right?" I said "Yeaaaa! We'll win alright!" Next instant I was crying at the finals ground because my team mate who also was from the same class said it was non other than a sign of complacency and "You're not even playing anyway."
Then again, I'm not saying Japan's my home either. How can you expect to be warmly welcomed in a place you didn't grow up in, and therefore cannot understand to the very depths? Yet I know I can't remain in a place which I do not understand or agree with in its concepts and way of life. I began viewing myself as striking similarities to Kino, from Kino's Travels, who would travel on her motorrad staying not more than a few days in each town she passed, witnessing the lives of different people yet not participating in them or passing judgment, just enough time to stay for a while and hop back on her motarrad to continue her neverending journey. Though I wonder if I could accurately see myself as a traveller since it's only been sg or Japan.
I remember telling a friend over ice cream last week, there is a kind of freedom from being in a place where nobody knows you. It might not make sense but, this freedom from detachment I think was what made me feel whilst I was in the car one day looking out the window and seeing this maid walking side by side a primary school kid while carrying her bag, that this image was strangely reminding me of the Entourages in Ergo Proxy! Whom their owners depend on for every single aspect of their lifestyles such that when the Entourages broke down or went insane, there was no chance of them returning to their once orderly lifestyles. And what has that got to do with freedom from detachment? It's because I know I wouldn't have been able to see things that way whilst I was still in sg; tell me who didn't grow up with a maid?! (I mean absolutely no offense to anyone) And then, even though I felt like I wasn't a part of where I was, I was still a part of it, in contrast of being able to detach myself somewhat now and watching the 'me' I was or the environment within the confines of myself and not a myself immersed in the environment.
I realise also that when watching shows, films, animes whatever now, I find somehow that I've become able to enjoy the process first, whilst almost leaving for granted the afterthoughts and significances that manage to come by quite naturally thereafter. I find the film connects and knowing why it connects, making it good (even though good is a subjective word).
I wonder if I can call those days behind me. Instances where I watch a film and find I didn't like it when it was still playing because of elements I felt were "too unrealistic" and "dumb", or times of restlessness when things I define as symbols I pull out from the pictures overcloud any other vision. Or when I totally don't see anything, which I believe btw, is symptomous of looking at a scene and not even being able to make any sort of vague deduction of how it might be related to the whole picture, hence the eye sees each scene at face value and not registering in the brain. They do seem a bit rarer now.
Hmm, I think, maybe I've learnt to build things up, not tear them down, learning to see why things are good and how it should be praised, not the things that it isn't and therefore why it isn't good enough. Really, how I could even feel for a moment that there was something special in me which produced those pictures and could POSSIBLY eventually become something big, escapes me since I have a rather lousy impression of myself.
posted by Chua at 1:11 AM
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