Tonight is such a horrible, bad night. Stupid night. If it was something I could actually get a hold of, I'd kick it really really hard, just so you know how pissed I am right now.

Somehow, I think it was bad from the start because I took a nap at 9.30pm and when I woke up, it was already 5 minutes to 11.00pm. I missed Desperate Housewives!! Argggh. How can you take away my Monday night tv priviledges. Stupid nap. Anyway, I think it sorta led me to ponder on the fact why I felt so irritated then. Maybe it was because I hadn't taken a bath for 2 days in a row, and when I finally did today, I came out of the shower still feeling so unclean, like I hadn't scrubbed properly? That's way disgusting. And was itching. Dumb everything.

Anyway, I caught Grey's at 11, so okay, that's good. If I hadn't, I might've just crashed my head into a wall without thinking of the consequences. But, somehow, my mood was disrupted. And my brother was studying upstairs so that means I can't leave the volume on at the normal level, I gotta turn it down. So I had to sit so close to the tv, and I didn't like that. I wear spectacles, my degree is high enough, I don't want to aggravate it anymore. Even the normal watching distance is already too close. Darn it all.

And then, I was just too distracted while watching Grey's. Instead of focusing on the drama between the characters, yknow, their interaction with each other. I was distracted by the patients. All the while, I just kept noticing how painful everything must be. Almost flinching. And there were these two people brought in, they had a pole right through their bodies, they were stuck together. In PAIN, YES. Then the doctors realise, they gotta move one person outta the pole so they can operate on them separately, but the person whom they move is most likely going to die from bleeding, since their organs are punctured by the pole and what's stopping them from bleeding to death is that the pole also plugs the wounds. And since the man stands a higher chance of living, less damage it seems, they decide to move the woman out. Means, she's most, likely, going, to, die.

At that moment, I couldn't take anymore emotional slaps. I just broke down and cried, and cried for her. That life is unfair. That she didn't deserve all the pain and now, death. That there was no more hope left for her. She's just going to go like that and that's how it is.

I am so tired now. I slept at 5am this morning. I had to go to work. I have to go to work tomorrow, and almost everyday for the rest of the week now. That sucks. I feel quite USED. When other people were around I didn't get any work, now everyone's gone, I gotta work my ass off. That sucks. I need my pay so I'm not allowed to complain. I forbid myself to.

Aside from how uncomfortable I feel from feeling not-cleaned-properly, is also the fact I can't seem to figure out why I have keep having constipation. It's dumb! It's not like I'm not eating my veggies and fruits! In fact my diet hasn't really changed. What in the world? I'm totally not eating meat anymore. More fruits! More veggie! More water!!!!! And how my stomach, more like bladder, feels weird after leaving the toilet. It sucks.

Then my ma had to go use MY bathroom tonight. She never uses my bathroom. And it's just so annoying. I left my phone in there and was wondering if someone or someones might've sent me a message that I need to reply to and there she was occupying the toilet. Well, it's cos the bathroom area (place where you get in and shower) in my parents' bedroom bathroom was under repair? Like huh? Since when. We never REPAIR toilets around here. And my hairtie and clip was inside. If I hadn't had tears streaming down from my face amidst all the hair on my head that drapes down into and over the vital features of my face, maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't have been so pissed over the fact she was occupying my toilet. And when you're pissed and annoyed, merely holding yourself back from a slow death to insanity, the last thing you need is for that someone, who is causing the direct disturbance to make (un)wise comments from inside the toilet.

Anyway, no I'm not done yet, don't you dare run away. So ya, I go downstairs and my brother, the one who caused me much discomfort from sitting so close to the tv, happily popped by downstairs and went up again once his program was done without turning off the tv? What in the world? I always get this feeling that he's just letting other people clear up after him. Which is so rude and annoying. Okay, and he gives the reason that he thought I'm still watching? I think that's valid, but the sheer ignorance of the presence of people other than YOURSELF is getting to me. If you didn't know whether I was still watching, why couldn't you have opened your mouth to ask? Is it because you want other people to clear up after you, or you're just dumb and stupid that you don't sense that there are such things known as OTHER HUMAN BEINGS around the house? Sheesh. Ignorant. Anyway, this family is full of it. To tell the truth, I think I'm the only one who takes notice of other people, their possessions, their feelings, their existence. Like I'm the only one who acknowledges that and it is a tiring feeling to feel that way so much of the time. Coupled with not getting reciprocated.

Okay, and I think my mood's really down also because the stupid spree organisers are taking so bloody long to mail out my stuff?! It's not like I'm not paying for postage, they just are so damn slow. I wonder why? All the previous sprees I've joined, they mailed out stuff at most 2 days after you pay for postage. I think now, it's probably 4-5 days. That's just plain annoying and so inefficient. I don't mean no rudeness to these people, but when they start deciding to all do it at the same time, that's just infuriating. And also the fact that I feel cheated when one of them charged me $3 for postage, received the mail, stamp said $1 and she used poor quality paper, not even an envelope to mail my stuff in. Quite frankly, she charged me about twice what I should pay. Dishonest. Furthermore, to aggravate matters, the tshirts I got in the mail that day had rather inaccurate sizing, a mistake on the place-where-I-got-them-from's part, not mine, and I had to suffer the consequences of their mistakes. The quality-checkers must be seriously underpaid. It's not the first time I've encountered this.

Sigh, yeap, I think that's about it. Honestly feel better releasing the steam here. Might've popped a moment ago, and that would've been bad. It's not good to get angry you know even though the people whom you're angry with deserve it. The Father's orders yknow. Lol. If you know what I mean and whom I'm referring to. There are many things to be thankful about, just gotta focus on them, be a good girl. Spend more time on QT.

Goodnight. Typing on blogspot is laggyand it's getting to me. Thank you Lord for all that you've done for me even for these times when I complain, but still I know that you do many things for me.

It has been a rather turbulent time for me. Laughs out loud. Lotsa little ups and downs. I would say the downs seem to outnumber the ups though. Have been and still am in a state of boredom-cum-tardiness-cum-tired of living-ness. It's the kind of feeling like you're living still yet you can't say you are.

Have been rather put off by all the small petty things that have happened and accumulated recently. Things from work, things from my parents, things from the course I'm doing... and also ultimately, the fact that my future remains very much undecided gnaws away at every little ounce of strength I have left in my hear soul and mind to open my eyes each morning to meet the new day.

Never have I thought the day would come when I'd look back and actually wish I was in a more school-class environment. Lessons are so boring at animation class, always feel like sleeping in the morning. Lols. And I must admit I am rather agitated by the fact that it's being carried out in typical singaporean style. Singlish and all. Chairs are horribly squeaky such that they make loud noises everytime you (and anybody else for that matter) squirm. The teach says the word 'itself' like there's no tomorrow, maybe I should keep count of how many times she says it but its plain annoying everytime I take notice. The classmates are working people and seem to drone away at whatever we're to do. There's no fun at all. Hellllooooo people people. Animation is fun. I know it's the part where learning seems more tedious and technical and monotonous but for pete's sake don't make learning a pain in the ass. I am so sad to say, this is Singaporean education for you. It doesn't seem to change regardless of which course you take as long as its within the island. It kinda sucks. And the most horrid thing it did to me was to create that insecurity that studying animation in Japan would be like this. How dare you! Insolent fool!

So yea it's been tiring constantly worrying about such things. Been reminiscing about Cowboy Bebop again tonight. Bebop's a real fun and more than pleasant memory to me all this time. It's something I can remember with a smile on my face, cos they're just peeps having their own fun in their own style and way. And more than that actually, more human to me than most humans, lol, through their emotions. It's, almost something I could reach out and grab.

Luckily, my mom decided to save me from myself and tuned to NHK tonight. Upon hearing the magic words 'manga' during the newstime I rolled myself over to the telly as fast as I could, was on the swivel chair if you're wondering. And there was this short section dedicated to something about the manga culture in japan and france too actually, telling of this book called JAPON published recently I should think that contains french and japanese manga in japanese french and english. And it was a soothing sight, to see mangaka on tv doing what they do best, not because it's a job or for fame or popularity or money, but it's something that they do from the heart. I want to go to Japan! I'm sorry Japan I doubted you even a little. Warukatta. Gomenasai.

Anyhow, I feel that these events that have happened, they prompt me to lower the pride I have in me and bring myself back to earth. However much I hate it and feel that I have the right not to (lols.) I must, to survive, and make this time more fruitful.

This has been a rather sucky post but the footprints are a must to leave.

Shout out time!

I wanna thank Yimp for reminding me the things to be thankful for and that what I'm going through now isn't really shit though I keep insisting it is.
I wanna thank my Sister for there's something connecting us beneath the talks, chats, and fun stuff that's called family.
I wanna thank my cuzzies who remind me that downs are part of life too and I'm not alone.