It is Friday night, ONE week from when our year end projects were due. It does seem longer than that, those days of toil seem so far and forgotten probably since they're too painful and tiresome a memory. I think the start of this week sparked a changed of direction in my thoughts. Monday morning lesson I listened to my teacher talk about the inefficiencies and unfairness in Japanese anime studios when my Brazilian classmate and friend brought up the fact that animators in America get paid so much more than in Japan. In fact, another friend of mine added that even a TV extras get paid more. What I remembered from his reply was, basically, nothing has changed since the Edo era. And I thought, how very true that was. The rich and those in authority are still corrupt, if not in entirety living lives in which corruption is a tradition, siphoning off money so the poor remain poor. The director gets the most money while the ones at the end get peanuts, struggling to pay off bills and the rent. It is rather strange, is it not, that in this time and period no laws have been set in place to protect such a group of people or no unions have even been formed to fight for any rights. What I make of it all is that the abused remained abused living lives of ignorance and when they finally make it out of the hole they in turn abuse the next generation thinking its all supposed to be the natural way of life. And why, perhaps because it is all a ploy of the government and those in authority to nurture a society that DOES NOT THINK, and therefore, do not know how to retaliate or speak out when the odds are against them. What I observe is INDIFFERENCE, to right and wrong, to beings other than the self and the meaning of things, one of which more importantly is Life itself.

Okay now that I've spat that all out and wash myself of thinking of these faceless beings, let me move on in topic. I never fail to always question myself the meaning of being here and studying what I study now. And it seems now that my eyes and thoughts are on something else, more than about meeting deadlines for assignments and feeling the dire need to improve. It's like I'm looking for something and it does not lie in school or what it provides for me. It's like I'm waiting to realise what I am here for and at the moment I haven't yet met with what or who I'm supposed to meet.

Okay anyway, side stepping those thoughts again, besides that interesting little talk with the teacher on Monday (you rarely hear a Japanese with opinions as noble as his - if there was a teacher whose words you could trust I'd think it'd be him) a teacher who works with us on moving objects, like the expression of wind or moving water and animals just really moved me with.. I don't know.. with just who he was. I had asked him to check my animation on waves and while he sat down correcting the movement he pointed at one point to one of the bends in a wave and said it just suddenly appeared out of nowhere. He said, these things don't appear out of nowhere, "the shape has to be given birth". Those words just came right out and pounded on my heart. It was like a sneak attack and I took a heavy blow. I really felt the weight of those words. And while I watched him patiently erase my lines, correct and put in some color to differentiate the bends, every one of those 14 pages, I watched him "give birth" to a wave and give it life across each page, as though it were a child and finally towards the end of the last page where it disappeared out of the frame, as though he was sending it off after its journey to where it had to go. As though he was finishing his journey with the wave. I was so touched just to watch him scribble. Because I sensed that with every line he put on the paper was a sense of responsibility to the shape he was giving birth to. Every line had weight and was given life. He could have just told me straight in just a few sentences what exactly looked wrong with my animation or correct just a few lines to give me an idea but what he did was sit out through the entire thing correcting it in entirety. I almost felt slightly close to tears when he got to page 13 and seeing this slight bump that was supposed to be a wave I placed in there that seemed to appear suddenly, he gave it more shape and colored it in a different color, then realising he had to give meaning to it, he went back again through all the pages a second time to plot out its life until page 13, meaning he had to erase and redraw in part what he had drawn out until then. And he did so without uttering an extra word or complaint, and he didn't do what I thought was the obvious - erasing away that extra bump. Instead, it seemed like he was trying to give meaning to what we had tried to make of the waves, he was trying to justify them rather than setting an absolute standard of what was right or wrong. It was there and than I felt like there was a strong pillar supporting me and propping me up. This is probably the first time I've been so awed by someone firsthand. Just watching him draw for one hour, I felt like I got to know more about his character. You know people rarely like to display care and concern outright and I guess he's the same but how in the act of drawing can exude such warmth really was quite an experience in itself. If it's close to anybody I want to be like, I would hope to be someone like him.

Somehow just before I hopped into bed (or sofa) last night I suddenly found some excitement in going to school today. Probably hoping that being surrounded with classmates would give me more drive to do what I had to do. The first half of the day was sketching class and the sensei started off with the usual croquis. In his attempt to jerk the class back into focus he reduced the time from the usual 4-5minutes to 2min30sec and made some classmates do some radical poses in a bid to spark our interest perhaps.

I think the 1 minute speed drawings on posemaniacs.com has quite helped to imprint through my thick skull how fast I have to draw and which details are more crucial to be drawn in and others to be left out within a certain amount of time. I guess when you've worked at 1 minute 4~5 minutes seems like pssh. Most of all, it helped me keep my fingers and brain on the go cos one thing I realised about drawing is that its like a clock that resets itself to zero when you sleep and when you start a new day anything could happen. So doing croquis everyday and not just once a day but a few times at least would I guess keep your brain from forgetting the feeling of sensing the lines and perspective.

Anyway, at the second half of the class, the sensei asked us to form groups and draw our friends' faces, each facing front, left and right. And then he showed us how to express lighting. He even did one where the light source came from the bottom, and if you can imagine, sort of turns a person's face slightly scary, as though they had some evil intention or telling a ghost story.

Some pictures I took from my current croquis books:

(In class today)

(In class today) Sensei helped me do the one above, where the lighting is from the bottom. Kinda hiliarious.




(Second half of school today) What happens when you can't find someone to draw for croquis...






(During winter break) Those 1 minute things on posemaniac.. give it a go.







(Winter break) Did some hands too... basically anything see in front of you can be done for croquis.


(1/5 After New Year Party) Courtesy of Changyang. Tired junior from the hostel I used to stay at who volunteered to pose.

(1/5 After New Year Party wee hours of the night) Courtesy of Monica and Mita. Had no space on my book..

That's it for now.. I know I will regret posting these up some day though.

Wah, I can't believe I'm actually back here on my very underutilised blog after what, a year or so of absence? I think my English has really gone wayyy down the drain after being here for so long and speaking almost close to nothing but Japanese everyday. Sometimes I even forget the words I want to say or even how to structure a sentence (SCARY!).

Hmmm. Thoughts... I don't know what to say or how to begin. Just so many things have happened and are happening. Overall morale at the moment is well... not very cheerful to say the least. Downcast skies and a gloomy forecast for the near future, a downtrodden spirit, close to fallen warrior. Haha.. Why am I such a sad existence. The more I draw or dwelve into the artistic realm it seems as though I get further away from what I try to grasp. Why does it feel like such a forlorn relationship? Strange.

Anyway, it's the night of the last day of winter break. I'll have to wake up at 6.30am tomorrow morning to go to school. Thus the madness will start again and so will depression, probably. However hard I try to do my homework it always takes such a long time, not to mention not being able to achieve the results I try to work towards. Maybe its just Art? But, it does feel like its killing me, a little everyday.

Hmmm, anyway, not much time to elaborate further I guess. Have got quite some things due tomorrow and haven't quite completed yet. Hopefully, I will update again soon and will be able to add more description to my puny little situation now.

To anyone who reads this, thanks for reading. After all this time of keeping quiet, thanks for bothering to even check.