Random thoughts...?

I think I just want to at least be able to "feel happy to be living" and "rid myself of inner demons" before I move on to the next chapter, be it the next step of studying or, working at a job.

I tend to write more, or feel a greater need to express myself under turmoil as a way of coping with life. But I do experience moments where I'm happy, and being too occupied with that, I fail to note these feelings down.

It's pretty hard, almost impossible I'd say to put your best foot forward and be bright about the future when you don't feel you're receiving the support you need. So, instead of stopping there and finding yourself in a perpetual tight fix, you might want to look elsewhere, to people who have open hearts, and somehow, overflowing with good intentions, who hold possibilities. There always seems to be someone or people like that around. So find some of them who you can keep contact with, they might possibly be the ones who will spur you on.

Another 3 dreams...

I had something like 3 dreams this morning. I kept waking up in between them.

The first I dreamt I was with my friends at school, and I was telling my korean friend best of luck with the homework that she had to do before university started. And she too busy to notice that I was depressed. I was hoping someone would notice. I passed her a note telling her best of luck and then no one seemed to notice I was depressed so I started writing on a piece of paper telling myself to hang in there and all the reasons why while sobbing away really terribly. I was feeling really lost and directionless.

The next I dreamt I was in a game, like one of those on the PS2 or 3. I dreamt I was watching the characters in the story. Somehow they could transform into something else or something like versions with upgraded armor or something. Then there was scene where there was a woman threatening a warrior she would kill this other women. She had a knife and she saying a whole lot of things but she really looked like she was threatening to kill herself in the end because she was pointing the knife at herself and it looked like she was going to stab herself in the face. Then I saw a scene with the main character, and he had gained the ability to transform and he tried to transform into another man character and somehow it seemed like he failed, because the next thing he knew he finds himself in this room where this boss that you cannot defeat was sitting on a chair and began lording it over him with some high and mighty speech. And when the boss snaps his fingers the main character disappears almost immediately with these tiny flames at his feet as though he vaporises. At this point I felt like I was controlling the main character and making him jump everytime the boss was going to snap his fingers while he kept saying he can't avoid them forever or something (typical boss language). In the end he got vaporised and everything turned black. I thought it was game over but then I found myself watching the last scene where the boss was sitting on his chair with no one else in the room and it was like that for a while. I don't know if I was scared if I suddenly gained existence in the game and the boss would try to vaporise me, so I decided I'd end the game by jumping out of the window. Then I woke up from it.

The last I dreamt my sister had come home. But somehow there was only me and her back in our house at home, so she had to do the cooking and grocery shopping. I dreamt she bought a lot of stuff back from the supermarket which she left in this corner, which I forgot to tend to and the next day I discovered there was a lot of fish in there and was wondering if they had gone bad or not.

Before I forget (again), I'd like to post about what I dreamt of last night....

I dreamt I saw a girl but I didn't know if it was a real person or iif t was a picture because it seemed like I could see the brush strokes. Anyway, somehow I felt as though I knew her but when I tried thinking when I last her I couldn't remember. I really felt as though I was looking at her. She had white gray hair, very dark tanned orange skin and she was wearing an intricate black dress with long white sleeves.

I had a dream this morning. I dreamt that there was a this group of guys, and they were a part of my team. I was leading a group of guys. There was one guy who sort of wore spectacles sometimes, and he was kind of like a doctor. He knew about drugs (the good ones), he would know what to administer at the right time and he was very cool. He would be leading the group sometimes, and sometimes he would be at the back. But he was a leading figure when I wasn't part of the group. He felt like the one who was bringing me to the group. Then there was this guy who was a big figure, he was sort of big in a way that is comforting and he felt like someone whom you coulf feel would be able to protect you in some way. In his arms, you would feel that you'd be able to overcome whatever pain you were going through. And then there was a third guy, he's the one that I met first, and he's really arrogant and scary before you get to know him. He's really forceful and he pulled me by the arm a few times but I saw him before I saw everyone else, and it felt like he was pulling me by force to where I was supposed to be, even though I hadn't known anything yet, which was rather confusing and annoying at the start.

But I was supposed to be a part of their group, and when I took my place, I felt like I wanted to work with them while leading them and I wanted to protect every one of them because they meant something to me. It felt like I knew them all and if I had to do something for the group I would do it.

The guy with the spectacles, the cool one, he wouldn't make me do something I wouldn't want to, even if it was the best thing for me and I didn't know it. He seemed to want the best, but he'd rather you figure it out it was the best rather than the forceful guy who'd try to make you do it.

So as a character, I really respect him for that and I kinda like that about him.

I wonder if I'll continue the story from there...

Omigoodness... the past 6 days or so were like being stuck in some twilight zone. I'm glad for the moment that I've finally FINALLY posted out the last application for companies whose deadlines are about now (8/14~17.... 3!!!!). While working on the stuff to submit my mind would sorta wander sometimes, thinking what would happen if I was called for interviews and what would happen if I got hired and stuff... My mind's still completely blank as to what I would want to say during interviews.. I definitely know that I'd have something to say regardless or what they ask but it feels like my thoughts won't come out coherently or not even come out at all.. I guess that means I will have to start trying to speak proper Japanese again and phased out all the slangs and all.. which isn't as easy as doing the same to English. Heh. But anyway, I was thinking, even though it's really annoying to rush to post out my applications like this, I think I'd be pretty okay with not being able to get a job this time round. I mean.. I seriously don't think I'm up to standard yet. And if a company is willing to take a leap of faith in me I'd be very very thankful, but if not, well, I would say I'd expected it.

But its not to say I'd be disappointed.. maybe just 30~50% yea maybe.. but I think I'd be happy to really take the extra time (be it the extra 6 months extension period to remain in Japan and look for a job after my student visa expires or the 4 years I'd spend in NUS after going home) to ground my foundation in drawing, and to really experiment and get my hands dirty with all sorts of drawing styles.. ther different styles of the different anime studios.. not just the lines pertaining to objects but the expression of shadows and highlights, maybe movement and timing as well... though I'd say it doesn't really interest me at this moment (cos its so.... HARD). If it was meant to be I'd come back and look for a job again, shouldn't be such a big thing (though it is.. haha).

Anyway, another thing that crossed my mind was about living out a life drawing vs living out a life on the textbook side (Ha.. what I call it). Now standing where I am now, if you'd ask me right now, I'll tell you I nv want to go back. If I really could, I'd want to stay at this point, and live my life out drawing. Seriously, if you'd ask me to choose its that. I mean its difficult and all, and really stressful, even sometimes you can't even see forward, everything looks so uncertain. But somehow, it feels like I'm living when I draw. As if in comparision, doing anything else would seem dead. Its a strange way to put it maybe. But even if this wan't what I was meant to do, I'd be okay.. I'd accept what God plans.. and it doesn't mean I can't draw in my freetime. Heh.

But standing here right now, it feels a little like I was standing atop a mountain, inhaling the good air, in the midst of the majestic scenery surrounding, I feel that there are so many things out there to learn, so many things I haven't seen yet or experienced just waiting for me. I feel a little excited.

It was some time ago, when I started developing the thought that people here were just more right-minded than left-minded, that I started consciously realising that the kind of atmosphere at church was just different than from the moment I stepped out and all the way till I stepped in again the next time. I just stood watching from a spectators point of view, not trying to claim which side was the right side to take. And for some reason, the kind of atmosphere I sensed in church, though familiar, wasn't a side I really wanted to take sides with. There was a thing about the way of life outside and all around that was part of what life had to be, I felt. The way people did things, or thought, outside of the church. Classmates, whoever, the society. The pastor would always be trying to pull us back into the reality of things, we are God's people, do not succumb to temptation, yes the world is tough but we have God to rely on. Why does it sound like he's making everything seem so tough? Like we ought to resist very strongly.

I don't know if anyone's actually thought of this before, I'd never would have when I was back home though. But say we take the theory that the Japanese society, regardless of whoever wants to get to know God more or not, is a more right-minded society, wouldn't that be very sad to know that it would be almost contradictory to preach the Gospel to them since the kind of activity in church is mostly left-minded? It does sound sad isn't it? It's like as though right-minded people were completely left out of the plan by the church (I'm not saying God). If you don't get what I mean, take for example, the sermons. I can tell you for sure that a right-minded person will never have the concentration to follow a sermon, much less even understand the profounding words being spoke of that come from a book they don't have the slightest idea about. And it's not about not wanting to know enough. It's just, they don't live that way. You really can't force a person who doesn't live that way to follow a path that isn't familiar to them.

So.. I started thinking. I know God loves all of us and He's always trying to get through to even the remotest person living on the most remotest part of the planet. So that's when I thought, there must be a way, that I don't know as of yet at the moment, that God tries to reach out to the right-minded people. The Japanese people, living in their seemingly oblivious world void of the existence of any god or religion; there is a way that God exists in their society, in Japan. I just needed to discover.

As you know (if you read the previous post) that my family came and my mom stayed behind for a while, I started to playback and think through and compare the kind of lifestyle, the kind of thinking and way of life that was me, my family and the kind of society I was in now. What was different? What's the same? What doesn't have to be different? There was something I knew to be discovered between the 2 dimensions that correlated.

I think my mom was really the star of it all. Watching her in her little world, everyday normal life in seemingly obliviousness to troubles that might be lurking. If something did come up, it was shrugged away, dismissed in an orderly fashion. Pch, it didn't need any worrying. Because, there was nothing to worry about. It was as though, my mommy, who wasn't even Christian, was being wrapped very carefully in God's arms, sheltered and shielded, kept safe, and for a reason.

It brings me back to the image I have in my mind, of many a time I have witnessed, of Christians of the church who fret upon how they needed to reach out to all those poor people out there who don't know God. We need to preach the Word more, evangelise, let the world see the light.

But why do we even need to fret? Because He already has them in His arms, and already has a plan for them.

So back to these right-minded people. Why need not we be fretting that they can't reach God through the Word? Because there is something about them (in my opinion and theory) that God so loves about them that us left-minded people, who need to be fed with words in order to understand something would never be able to do.

Left-minded people (in my theory and opinion from observation and deduction) are so caught up with understanding theories and concepts, they read lots of texts and ponder deeply over words, trying to make sense over it, the world they exist in is just completely entirely made up of words. They are less sensitive to the human condition and things like... "things that go unsaid that are undestood between the parties involve". They may be able to concentrate long enough to study the textbook, but all time spent away from the books, including that which is spent with other people is completely almost like as if they turned a switch off in their brains, and they cease to exist in that aspect. Which is why, they always need to be reminded time and again, with a source that is text-base, in order to realise that God exists. That is why out dear heavenly Father who loves us left-brains has made sure that He has spelt everything out clearly and without doubt in His Word, the Bible.

Right-brains, unlike the very practical left-brainers who mostly never fail to follow logic gained from deductions through very serious thought, more of follow their instinct and spur of the moment. Before you start to jump to critical conclusion, what I mean to say is, in other words, they follow their heart. Left brain activity fails to kick in very much, so before an opinion or critic can be formed, they have already carried out what felt right to be done at the moment.

I think it might be typical for a typical left-brainer to have the image of committing murder or adultery because of what is deemed "spur of the moment". Primitive right-brainers, will they never be civilised enough to read and get the idea through their thick skulls and into their brains?? UNDERSTAND THE RULES, FOOLS.

But yet, we do not see through to the other side, like blind fools. We did not realise that they who live on the right side are less blinded by the distraction of words, ideas, concepts, theories, airy fairy ideals, the idea of the norm that was decided by someone that we ourselves don't even know. They are more in tune to their senses, eyes, nose, mouth, ears, sense of touch, the very things that God created us with, the very physical body. They live. Like human beings that have been created by the Father for humanly purposes that he had originally planned us for. Maybe if you needed an analogy, think back to Adam and Even in the garden of Eden. What do you think life was back then?

So I thought, these right-brained people, they live through the body given by the Father. So in turn they live the Father's will through their bodies. Everything that is needed for life is provided by God through their senses. They eat breathe and live God's will through the physical, which God provided for and all the while giving glory to God, just functioning as what the Father had planned us for! How incredible is that?

Remember the part in the Bible that says even THINKING of committing a sin is already a sin. Because if we were already functioning from the input God gave us, we wouldn't even come up with that thought to sin.

That's when I thought, Living on the right-side, that's like being in tune to God constantly. Instead of having to be constantly reminded and then forgetting and then going back to be reminded again only to forget again, He resides inside us. Instead of thinking He is always WITH us, think He is living INSIDE me NOW. He IS me.

I'm not saying that right-siders don't need to read the Bible. All I'm saying is I'm just really happy to know that God has the right brainers in his hands and he has beautiful plans for them, even if they don't know Him yet.

On my usual pondering lately about why I'm exactly here in Japan again, the fundamental difference between Japanese and Sgporeans, the former exercising comparatively less practicality and thus rigidity in ways of thinking (even though the society can be said to be a rigid one..), seemingly flinging aside all obvious forms of logic in the name of transcience and for the moment fleeting beauty, very things that would spell absolute foolishness in the mind of a typical Sgporean for the chase of deception. What makes them so different in my opinion, is that one chooses more to trust in gut feeling and prides in appreciating the direct surroundings, rather than cluttering the mind with a lot of thinking, about which would make more sense to do or what reaps more benefits logically. Of course, I don't think there's anything wrong with Sgporeans being practical, I think thats one of the traits that makes our society so efficient and educated in many ways. However, that being said, because of such a trait, certain other things are most certainly lacking. The ability to appreciate the moment, and to appreciate what makes us human. To enjoy the physical, isn't also that which makes us human?

I probably seek to leave Sg in the chase of Life. I came to one of many conclusions lately that in essential, it is everybody's goal to seek out a life source. Something that is 'living' in their opinion. And perhaps only such people will find the Life and be people who are truly 'living'. In Sg, I never saw any Life around me (not meaning that there wasn't, just didn't see or sense it), it was like I wasn't living, so I sook out Life. I left Sg for Japan. I saw what I thought was the Life in anime. I saw through and in between, what I thought was the will of the people who made the anime. I felt some kind of Life in their collection of thoughts and feelings all condensed into what we see on the screen. So I knew that there was only one place that I could ever want to go, to go to where the source of Life I thought was.

And coming here, leaving many things behind, I wondered what I was. I wondered how was I going to lead my life. There seemed to be so many questions to ask, I was homeless. No place to rest my head, every waking moment seemed to be blank silence. A deafening silence. It seemed to me even worse than living a life without the Life source. It was being dead. How could I seek the Life if I was dead?

But thankfully, family came, and it gave me the chance to look back to see what living was about, since I had forgotten and had been dead for quite some time already. It is strange that I was once again examining the kind of 'living' that I previously could never have considered living. I looked closely; strange, that living without the Life source could feel so relaxing. It gave me the breathing space I needed to begin life again.

I pondered again what living was. Somehow I felt that before I could chase the Life source again I needed to know what living really was. That was when I noticed something that I wouldn't have noticed had I not left Sg. I noticed how my mom lived. There was an unusual sense of life that seemed to emanate from her presence. She could be doing something so extremely normal and mundane, seemingly boring for anyone interested in more exciting things. But what I noticed, was a kind of Life that was present regardless of situation and context. Like a sort of absolute existence. You could maybe describe it was a sort of excitement over anything that happened. There was a kind of interest in the things that happened or seemingly didn't happen in one's life. Every moment was never boring, never dead. Every moment seemed to be living.

Was that God trying to show me what Living was? I know that true Life is found in the one and only Living God. But I was trying to find out what He had in plan for me, the Life that I should seek on earth. What was really Living on earth? It had a rub off effect on me and I started experiencing what I thought was Living, without really being conscious of it. Maybe Living was really about not being conscious about it.

And as I started living again, I came to yet another conclusion. That what real living the way I should, and how I think should be the way, was not to overshadow His presence with thinking too much. That way, we could then be at peace with ourselves and be more aware of His presence everyday. Not being conscious in a mindly way, but sensing with our bodies, the sense He has given all of us. Without even having to start thinking to realise, we would realise from seeing. Its as though our senses are opened to the light, as how it should be in the first place.

I realise I could enjoy boring quiet moments, moments of nothingness, laugh at something where there was no person beside to hear. I realise I didn't care. Because they do not matter where Life was. Living isn't limited to context, it is absolute and once in existence will continue to exist in any situation (unless killed). It's being still, and being at peace with the self and everything else.

So I didn't need to worry about anything else. I had the Life with me. And it would continue to be with me, as long as I knew God was with me. As I continue to seek the life God wants for me to pursue on earth, I'm thankful He taught me what Living was about.